I have sinned by betraying innocent blood

When morning came, all the chief priests and elders of the people plotted against Jesus to put Him to death. And when they had bound Him, they led Him away and delivered Him to Pontius Pilate the governor. Then Judas, His betrayer, seeing that He had been condemned, was remorseful and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, "I have sinned by betraying innocent blood." And they said, "What is that to us? You see to it!" Then he threw down the pieces of silver in the temple and departed, and went and hanged himself. But the chief priests took the silver pieces and said, "It is not lawful to put them into the treasury, because they are the price of blood." And they consulted together and bought with them the potter's field, to bury strangers in. Therefore that field has been called the Field of Blood to this day. Then was fulfilled what was spoken by Jeremiah the prophet, saying, "And they took the thirty pieces of silver, the value of Him who was priced, whom they of the children of Israel priced, "and gave them for the potter's field, as the LORD directed me."

- Matthew 27:1-10

Yesterday, we read about Peter in the courtyard of the high priest's home. Inside, Jesus is being falsely accused, mocked and beaten. A servant girl said to Peter that he was also with Jesus of Galilee. Peter denied it before all of them, saying, "I do not know what you are saying.” Another girl said he was with Jesus of Nazareth. Peter denied it again, this time with an oath, saying, "I do not know the Man!" Finally another told Peter that he must be with Jesus, that his Galilean speech gives him away. Then he began to curse and swear, saying, “I do not know the Man!” Immediately a rooster crowed. And Peter remembered the word of Jesus who had said to him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” So he went out and wept bitterly.

When morning came, all the chief priests and elders of the people plotted against Jesus to put Him to death. And when they had bound Him, they led Him away and delivered Him to Pontius Pilate the governor. My study bible tells us that under Roman law, only the governor had authority to pronounce the death sentence. So they must present Him with some sort of convincing charge. Notice the importance of the morning session: a night trial, to which Jesus has been subjected, was illegal under Jewish law.

Then Judas, His betrayer, seeing that He had been condemned, was remorseful and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, "I have sinned by betraying innocent blood." Perhaps Jesus' condemnation and the vicious nature of His accusers shocks Judas into understanding what he has done. We remember Jesus' warning to him, and His attempts to save him - including the offering of the Eucharist, and calling Judas "Friend" in the garden. My study bible notes that "Judas is remorseful but not repentant -- a sharp contrast to Peter's sorrow after his denials. Two accounts of Judas's death are given, here and in Acts 1:16-19."

And they said, "What is that to us? You see to it!" Then he threw down the pieces of silver in the temple and departed, and went and hanged himself. What is the difference between remorse and repentance, as my study bible points out? Here, Judas takes matters into his own hands. His focus is on the effects of his act, but not in the inner place of relationship with God.

But the chief priests took the silver pieces and said, "It is not lawful to put them into the treasury, because they are the price of blood." And they consulted together and bought with them the potter's field, to bury strangers in. Therefore that field has been called the Field of Blood to this day. Then was fulfilled what was spoken by Jeremiah the prophet, saying, "And they took the thirty pieces of silver, the value of Him who was priced, whom they of the children of Israel priced, "and gave them for the potter's field, as the LORD directed me." How ironic that they should now take care for what is according to the law. It is yet another twist of remembrance for us about Jesus' scathing words against hypocrisy. Even as they plot to put Jesus to death in crucifixion, a field is bought for the poor strangers who have no one to bury them. It's a kind of ironic claim of the dead as their own, while Christ is ultimately rejected and hung on a cross outside the gates of the city - a sort of grim trade in death.

The question of Judas is a puzzling one. We remember that the fulfillment of the Scriptures is because prophecy foresaw what would happen. One wonders what would have happened had Judas turned to Christ -- after Jesus' rebuke for criticizing Mary's anointing, at the Last Supper, when Jesus warned him, "Woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been good for that man if he had not been born." But Judas' real repentance never truly happens here, if we are to take the note in my study bible seriously. Judas feels remorse at the effects of what he has done, but what would repentance mean? Perhaps remorse remains within the state of emotionality, is part of the same continuum of emotions that has led him to this lost place to begin with. Repentance, then, in a Christian sense involves a deeper change of heart, leading to a turn to Christ. One may wonder what would have happened had he come to Christ or to the Apostles. In some sense, Judas' turmoil of emotions is still in isolation, still something of himself alone. His alternative, in his perspective of despair and emotional turmoil, is suicide. It's still a cautionary tale to us about our own humility, and against excessive self-hatred as if we are our own judges. To be lost in a turmoil of self-loathing isn't to truly follow God who loves us. We lead ourselves down the wrong path. It's not the same as coming to Christ, no matter what mistakes we've made, and seeking His Way for us. Judas serves as a model of life without Christ, of the despair and darkness of a merciless state in which we're truly left only to our own devices and dejection, without the hope God offers for the future. He can't really undo what he's done, giving back the money won't achieve that. Without God, he's lost, in a place of true exile. In our darkest places, it's important to remember Jesus' words, that with God all things are possible.