You are not also one of this disciples, are you?

 And Simon Peter followed Jesus, and so did another disciple.  Now that disciple was known to the high priest, and went with Jesus into the courtyard of the high priest.  But Peter stood at the door outside.  Then the other disciple, who was known to the high priest, went out and spoke to her who kept the door, and brought Peter in.  Then the servant girl who kept the door said to Peter, "You are not also one of this disciples, are you?"  He said, "I am not."  Now the servants and officers who had made a fire of coals stood there, for it was cold, and they warmed themselves.  And Peter stood with them and warmed himself.

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Now Simon Peter stood and warmed himself.  Therefore they said to him, "You are not one also one of His disciples, are you?"  He denied it and said, "I am not!"  One of the servants of the high priest, a relative of him whose ear Peter cut off, said, "Did I not see you in the garden with Him?"  Peter then denied again; and immediately a rooster crowed.

- John 18:15-18, 25-27

On Saturday, we read Jesus' concluding discourse to the Pharisees at the Feast of Tabernacles, during the final year of His life:   "He who is of God hears God's words; therefore you do not hear, because you are not of God."  Then the Jews answered and said to Him, "Do we not say rightly that You are a Samaritan and have a demon?"  Jesus answered, "I do not have a demon; but I honor My Father, and you dishonor Me.  And I do not seek My own glory; there is One who seeks and judges.  Most assuredly, I say to you, if anyone keeps My word he shall never see death."  Then the Jews said to Him, "Now we know that You have a demon!  Abraham is dead, and the prophets; and You say, 'If anyone keeps My word he shall never taste death.'  Are You greater than our father Abraham, who is dead?  And the prophets are dead.  Who do You make Yourself out to be?"  Jesus answered, "If I honor Myself, My honor is nothing.  It is My Father who honors Me, of whom you say that He is your God.  Yet you have not known Him, but I know Him.  And if I say, 'I do not know Him,' I shall be a liar like you; but I do know Him and keep His word.  Your father Abraham rejoiced to see My day, and he saw it and was glad."  Then the Jews said to Him, "You are not yet fifty years old, and have You seen Abraham?"  Jesus said to them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I AM."  Then they took up stones to throw at Him; but Jesus hid Himself and went out of the temple, going through the midst of them, and so passed by.

 And Simon Peter followed Jesus, and so did another disciple.  Now that disciple was known to the high priest, and went with Jesus into the courtyard of the high priest.  But Peter stood at the door outside.  Then the other disciple, who was known to the high priest, went out and spoke to her who kept the door, and brought Peter in.   As we are preparing for Lent, the lectionary skips over several chapters in John to today's reading, in which Jesus is being held at the home of the high priest.  The other disciple is John himself, author of the Gospel.  It was a common practice of the time for an author to conceal his name in the details of the story (see 13:23; compare Mark 14:51-52, Luke 24:13, 18).

Then the servant girl who kept the door said to Peter, "You are not also one of this disciples, are you?"  He said, "I am not."  Now the servants and officers who had made a fire of coals stood there, for it was cold, and they warmed themselves.  And Peter stood with them and warmed himself.   My study bible tells us that a girl being the first to test Peter is an icon of the temptation of Adam by Eve (Genesis 3:6).  This fallen state, it says, is overcome in Christ -- when it is a woman who is the first to hear, believe, and proclaim the Resurrection, as John tells us (20:1, 11-18).

Now Simon Peter stood and warmed himself.  Therefore they said to him, "You are not one also one of His disciples, are you?"  He denied it and said, "I am not!"  One of the servants of the high priest, a relative of him whose ear Peter cut off, said, "Did I not see you in the garden with Him?"  Peter then denied again; and immediately a rooster crowed.   The earlier part of chapter 18 gives us the story of Jesus' arrest; in verse 10 we're told that Peter drew a sword and struck the high priest's servant, cutting off his right ear.   In chapter 13, Jesus prophesied to Peter that he would deny Him three times before the rooster crowed -- after Peter's protestations that he would lay down his life for Christ's sake (see 13:37-38).  After his three denials, Peter will be restored through his three affirmations of love that follow the Resurrection (21:15-17). 

Today's reading begins a preparation for Lent.  In the Western Churches, Lent begins on Wednesday, which is Ash Wednesday.  For many of the Eastern Churches, Lent begins next week, with this week being a week for fasting from meat.  (For the Armenian Apostolic Church, a branch of the Oriental Orthodox, Lent begins today.)  The lectionary gives us the story of Peter's denial of Jesus.  That it was a servant girl in front of whom Peter first denied Jesus gives us the sense of the humiliation in failure, in the times when we let ourselves down.  Peter not only claimed to Jesus that he would not betray Him, he told Jesus that he would lay down his life for Christ.   But the denial by Peter gives us a flavor of Christ's ministry.  Even in this darkest hour, which Jesus predicts will happen, everything is not lost for Peter.  He will return to Christ, he will be restored among the Apostles, and after the Resurrection, be taught specifically by Christ what He wants from Peter (21:15-17).  If we look at that passage, we see that Peter's restoration is all about love, to which we repeatedly return in John's Gospel.  Jesus asks him three times, in correspondence to the three-time denial, "Do you love Me?"  Each time Peter answers "Yes," and each time Jesus returns with a demand in response:  "Feed My lambs."   If we love Christ, we will do as He asks us as an expression of that love.   In a recent reading, Jesus has taught, "If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed."  At the Last Supper, at the institution of the Eucharist, He taught them, "Abide in Me" (15:4-5).   Our communion with Christ is what keeps us in the place where we belong, where we need to be.  It is when that communion is broken that we find ourselves let down and disappointed, because we are not really in the place we need to be and finding the good things that are prepared for us to belong to, to be doing in His love.   Peter's denial of Christ gives us all the gift of understanding that to be a disciple isn't necessarily to be always perfect, but rather to love.  Discipleship is really a constant renewing and returning to that love, abiding in it, living it.  It is in finding our true love of Christ that we find where we belong and even "who" we need to be.  We find the identity He prepares for us.  In contrast to Judas, Peter returns to Christ, and to the flock.  Whatever we seem to lose in life, even -- however temporarily -- our own self-respect, we may find again in Him.  Peter's life will change altogether after the Resurrection, but this is what the Cross gives to each of us.  We lose life only to gain it.  We let go of the past -- even our ideas of ourselves, and perhaps more characteristically, those with whom we think we must be associated.  But in Him, we gain a life in His love.  As we enter into Lent, let us delve into the deeper meaning of the Cross for each one of us, what we give up and what we find.