And when he thought about it, he wept

 

 Now as Peter was below in the courtyard, one of the servant girls of the high priest came.  And when she saw Peter warming himself, she looked at him and said, "You also were with Jesus of Nazareth."  But he denied it, saying, "I neither know nor understand what you are saying."  And he went out on the porch, and a rooster crowed.  And the servant girl saw him again, and began to say to those who stood by, "This is one of them."  But he denied it again.  And a little later those who stood by said to Peter again, "Surely you are one of them; for you are a Galilean, and your speech shows it."  Then he began to curse and swear, "I do not know this Man of whom you speak!"  A second time the rooster crowed.  Then Peter called to mind the word that Jesus had said to him, "Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny Me three times."  And when he thought about it, he wept.

 

- Mark 14:66–72 

 

Yesterday we read that they led Jesus away to the high priest; and with him were assembled all the chief priests, the elders, and the scribes.  But Peter followed Him at a distance, right into the courtyard of the high priest.  And he sat with the servants and warmed himself at the fire.  Now the chief priests and all the council sought testimony against Jesus to put Him to death, but found none.  For many bore false witness against Him, but their testimonies did not agree.  Then some rose up and bore false witness against Him, saying, "We heard Him say, 'I will destroy this temple made with hands, and within three days I will build another made without hands.'"  But not even then did their testimony agree.  And the high priest stood up in the midst and asked Jesus, saying, "Do You answer nothing?  What is it these men testify against You?"  But He kept silent and answered nothing.  Again the high priest asked Him, saying to Him, "Are You the Christ, the Son of the Blessed?"  Jesus said, "I am.  And you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Power, and coming with the clouds of heaven."  Then the high priest tore his clothes and said, "What further need do we have of witnesses?  You have heard the blasphemy!  What do you think?"  And they all condemned Him to be deserving of death.  Then some began to spit on Him, and to beat Him, and to say to Him, "Prophesy!"  And the officers struck Him with the palms of their hands.   

 Now as Peter was below in the courtyard, one of the servant girls of the high priest came.  And when she saw Peter warming himself, she looked at him and said, "You also were with Jesus of Nazareth."  But he denied it, saying, "I neither know nor understand what you are saying."  And the servant girl saw him again, and began to say to those who stood by, "This is one of them."  But he denied it again. We can't read this passage without refreshing our memories of the events earlier in the night, when Peter swore to Jesus at the Last Supper, "Even if all are made to stumble, yet I will not be."  Jesus then told Peter, "Assuredly, I say to you that today, even this night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny Me three times."  Peter then spoke more vehemently, "If I have to die with You, I will not deny You!"  (See Friday's reading.)  My study Bible comments regarding the events in today's passage that a girl being the first to test Peter is an icon of the temptation of Adam by Eve (Genesis 3:6).  Our fallen state, it says, is overcome in Christ when women are the first to hear, believe, and proclaim the Resurrection (Luke 24:1-10).  

And a little later those who stood by said to Peter again, "Surely you are one of them; for you are a Galilean, and your speech shows it."  Then he began to curse and swear, "I do not know this Man of whom you speak!"  A second time the rooster crowed.  Then Peter called to mind the word that Jesus had said to him, "Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny Me three times."  And when he thought about it, he wept.   As Mark reports it, the second time the rooster crowed, Peter called to mind the word that Jesus had said to him.  In Luke's report of this event, it's not the rooster's second crow that makes Peter recall Jesus' word to him, but a gaze from the Lord Himself (Luke 22:61-62).  Either way, Peter wept at the realization.  My study Bible quotes St. Ambrose of Milan who comments that "through tears, what cannot be defended can be purged, for tears wash away the offense which is shameful to confess out loud."

St. Ambrose comments on the cleansing nature of tears.  This is an important understanding in the traditions of the Church.  The Orthodox tradition of using prayer ropes evolved out of the practice of the desert monastics, in which knots are made for use as "beads" of prayer.  In such practice, there is almost always a tassel at the end of the rope (see this image, for example).  It is said that this tassel is for wiping away the tears that come from true repentance.  There is possible no greater nor more powerful image for such cleansing tears as the one of St. Peter in today's reading.  In so many ways, Peter has set the example of discipleship for us, both in his failings and in his greatness as de facto spokesman for the Twelve.  In today's reading, the comment from St. Ambrose reminds us, we are taught by Peter's example, that "through tears, what cannot be defended can be purged, for tears wash away the offense which is shameful to confess out loud."  While people might often speak disparagingly of those who are able to produce false tears at the drop of a hat, historically it is understood that it is in tears that the soul truly reveals itself.  We cry not only for repentance about those things of which we are ashamed, but also for other things which we cannot change -- and still, the tears remain signs of truthfulness, and also repentance of a different sort.  That is, tears are also signs of the sorrow that comes from mourning.  Tears might easily accompany a confession of childhood abuse or trauma; in the sense of which we speak today, these would not be tears of self-pity nor even tears of suffering, but tears that accompany the recognition of a truth one does not like to admit to oneself.  This still fits in the important category of repentance and confession, for it isn't until we can reveal the painful truths at the bottom of behavior patterns we'd like to heal that we can begin to have the "change of mind" we seek in Christ (for "change of mind" is the true meaning of the Greek word for repentance).  In modern times we seem to have waylaid our understanding of the significance of tears in this light, but that would seem to me a grave mistake.  Possibly it is because we are saturated with images on social and other media where, for decades now, we can see nothing but acting or playing a role.  But the significance of the tears that memories can produce in our own lives should not be thrown away easily or lightly, for a great deal depends upon the reality that is truly revealed in such tears.   In those tears, the soul reveals true feelings about past events, the trauma of things we've kept hidden from ourselves, the shame of those experiences we don't want to look at.  But the healing even from things that are not our fault is necessary in the process of transformation and repentance ("change of mind") that we will find in our journey with Christ, for it is from such painful experiences that false behaviors grow, and that depend upon the lies we tell to ourselves.  The only true way to heal is through the faith that Christ offers us, and the transformation process of the Cross to find the better way in which we are guided to live our lives, for of such character is true confession made, even in the lives of the saints.  Our toughest and most shameful experiences belong with Christ, for it is His way we seek out of them and through them.  This is part of the process of forgiveness, in which we seek God's way to respond even to people who have harmed us.  Just as tears reveal St. Peter's coming to terms with the truth of his own failure and reconciliation to Christ in the truth that Christ revealed to him, so tears also reconcile us to the truth of things we'd rather pretend were not there in any circumstance.  Each comes out of necessary confession and revelation of a truth we need to face, and each comes to wash away falsehood before Christ, and to help to reconcile us to Christ.  For it is only Christ who can help us to properly address our flaws and weaknesses, and the hard experiences that have given us our vulnerabilities.  It is Christ and the saints, and the angels who seek to help us through life, upon whom we must seek our way through pain and difficulty, lest we fall victim to false ways in which to cope or create the illusion of invulnerability or pride.  Let us come to terms with the power of tears and of confession, in which our soul is revealed to us before God, in the loving hands and heart of Christ.  In this way, like Peter, our tears can wash away what can't be defended so that we return to Him with empty hands, for only He can properly fill them for us.